Forgiving Yourself

Once again, as we would come off the ramp, coming home from church, we would talk about what we had learned from the Bible, then how hungry we were/what we would soon have for lunch. Our conversation would come to an abrupt stop as we glanced under the bridge of the highway to see “Bill the Bum” as he was called. Sitting with his neatly rolled blankets/sleeping bag, along with several other bags. Sometimes I would see him making his way to the 7-Eleven. Perhaps he was getting a drink & a bag of chips! I didn’t know. I wanted to see him and yet at the same time it was hard to see him. Back in those days, it was rare to find a person living in such a manner. Those days, unlike current times, were filled with abundance and plenty, so the question resounded in my mind- why was he there? What brought him to this point? What was his story?Soon I was to find out what events brought him to the point that Bill would call this barely sheltered, concrete area, his home. Actually, it was not his home. In reality, it was his prison.Years before he held a good job, he had a home, a family, a life. On one fateful day he did something unwise, made an injurious decision. It had actually been a day of celebrating. His beloved daughter had graduated from high school. Afterward at home, there was lots of food to commemorate 12 years of schooling completed. This day was an end to a special chapter in his daughter’s life and the beginning of a new chapter opening up to her with high hopes, great dreams, and a bright tomorrow. Food was not the only thing that was served that day. The father chose to provide alcohol to the young graduate and her guests. After a time of eating and drinking, a small group decided to leave. Perhaps they were planning to go to another party or to go to the beach for the weekend. I really don’t know their planned destination. However, they never reached their objective. Somewhere between Bill’s home and the place they were headed; they were involved in a serious accident. Unfortunately, Bill’s daughter was in the back seat where her legs were pinned. The outcome was she would live the rest of her life in a wheelchair. This was not the picture any of them thought they would ever face in a million years!Bill knew the alcohol he had served those underage teens was a contributing factor. The reflexes of the driver were slower, his or her thinking was impaired. Bill now lived with the realization that the drinks he had given out had impacted his daughter for the rest of her life.This comprehension brought Bill to the lowest point of his life. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. However, here he was as one who was supposed to protect his baby girl actually contributing to her great loss.Somewhere in the midst of this outcome, Bill became his own judge and jury. In his mind’s eye, it was like a courtroom scene. The lawyer stands up and shares- “Mr. Bill, is it not true that you provided alcohol to underage graduates, including your own daughter! Is it not also true that you were aware that alcohol is not only illegal for anyone under 21 but also played a major role in limiting the thinking process and muscle coordination needed to prevent this accident. Is it also not true that this very accident which might well have been prevented, took the mobility of your daughter? What is your answer, Mr. Bill?” In his mind, Bill must have screamed out “It is true! I am responsible for putting my daughter in a wheelchair! I am the one accountable for this accident!”The jury had heard all the witnesses. It took them no time at all to come to a verdict. The representative said in a sober voice, “guilty as charged!”.I really don’t know the actual courtroom scene or if there was one. However, in light of what I witnessed as Bill lived out life is he had sentenced himself. The judge had echoed the words, “guilty, guilty, guilty” and he surely had heard them for all his days. It was a life sentence that he was living out and it was painful for anyone with a compassionate heart to see.This true story has stayed with me all these years. I can still picture him under that bridge as though it were yesterday. It certainly didn’t mean that he could just gloss over his wrong and his part in the accident. However he had to come to a point that he had not only asked forgiveness of those impacted but had also forgiven himself. Surely it would have been hurtful to see his daughter needing care and assistance instead of experiencing independence. However, when we don’t forgive ourselves for our past failures, several things can happen:1. We are putting ourselves in a cell where we are not reaching out to others and we do not permit anyone to reach out to us.2. We cannot fully minister to others. Our thoughts are consumed with our guilt, shame, and consequences.3. Most importantly, we are refusing the forgiveness and mercy of God. We put a hand out, saying STOP! In essence which says, “Jesus, I know when you died on the cross, you paid for this sin also. However, this sin, (this sin) is too big. I can’t forgive myself!”

I remember the day this truth hit me personally. I thought of it like I was climbing a tall ladder. There on the ladder, was Jesus. However, I went to the side of him so I could continue upward on my ascending. I actually thought as I had my view of Jesus beneath me that I was in actuality saying to him, “I know you forgave all my sins, but I can’t forgive myself.When I thought about this concept, it occurred to me that I had positionally, in actuality put myself above Jesus. Why? Because He had forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself. The story once again as in the previous issue of Forgiveness, hit me squarely was of Joseph. Oh, how I love his example of what forgiveness is. The same question he presented to his brothers (am I in the place of God) is the same one that I needed to present to myself.Do you have a ladder whereby you have tried to squeeze past Jesus- climbing higher up on the rungs of forgiveness? When you or I look at it this way, it seems ridiculous that we would even consider this approach. Yet it is very real and present in the lives of many people.Do you live under a bridge like Bill whereby you are not living but existing. In fact, it is a living death and prison without bars. Isn’t it time to accept the forgiveness of Jesus and be set free. Sure, there can be consequences that have to be lived with. However, when our failures are placed in the loving hands of our Savior, Jesus brings a true sense of humility, grace giving and greater love that we now have for other people who have failed. Although we’d love to erase the mistakes on the giant white board of our life, we often cannot. However, Jesus uses these halls of shame to remind us who we’d be apart from Him. He uses them, to connect to others and to Himself.If these words resonate with you, would you be willing to pray this prayer or one like it?“Lord, I forgive myself for ______. It made me _______. I thank you for your forgiveness and I ask you to bless my life. Please help me to be a grace giver to others who have known failings, poor decisions, sin. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”There are two more aspects that I would like to present. Once we have fully forgiven ourselves, we may still from time to time find that our failures and sins come to our mind. The old temptation to feel defeated, like a failure, a bad Christian, an awful person… Instead of succumbing to these feelings, which only spiral us down, use it as an opportunity to praise Jesus for forgiving us of ALL our sins. Thank Him for His mercy, love, and grace. Use it as a praise time! Those condemning thoughts will flee!The second point is if other people bring up past sins. When they do- say something like this:1. Jesus has forgiven me.2. I have asked forgiveness of people involved (which could include the person holding past sins against you or I).3. As a dear friend used to say “Wallow in his forgiveness".4. If they cannot let go of the sins you committed then, remember- they own the problem! Move on basking in the forgiveness you have received!It says in Job 1 that satan is a accuser of those the brethren who have trusted in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Why would we ever join forces to accomplish his desructive, dividing and destroying work as in accuser. Another person (who is still holding a grudge or thinks poorly of us) may not know it but they are accusers. So instead of feeling guilty, lowly, or worthless, just start living life again- or for the very first time. Come down the ladder and rank yourself (myself) under Jesus. It is not our place to climb above Him in this issue.As with each issue, our time of sharing has helped me to be reminded that forgiveness not only encompasses others but myself as well!Blessings to you, dear ones.